Can I get a witness

I have been encouraged. This does not happen frequently. I am no pessimist but I am objective, realistic and suspiscious. Tonight, while thumbing through the pages of the blog world I came upon this: http://www.the-99-declaration.org/.

At last, someone is actually doing something. I feel that as a collective, we the people are - cynical of those we’ve put in power, -hopeless that anything will change and -doubtful that anyone will do anything of consequence. This appears to be a real effort toward affecting change. This feels like a push toward different direction. That direction may still be toward the edge of the cliff but at least we can attempt to walk a more honest and opne path. 

Politicians have become synomous with theives, liars, cheaters. Can we believe anything they say?  Do we think they will do anything they say they will?

The ocupy movement, the tea party, the 99% movement, we bloggers, normal people living their lives. We’ve become the voice in the wilderness. We have opted to endorse common sense and conscensus rather that voting for division and arguments made for the sake of arguing.

The 99% declaration has made 20 real goals. Are these obtainable? Some yes, some now but we must start somewhere. There is a lot more to it but here is the simple statements:

1. 1.     Elimination of the Corporate State.
2. Overturning the “Citizens United” Case.
3. Elimination of All Private Benefits to Public Servants.
4. Term Limits.
5. A Fair Tax Code.
6. Healthcare for All.
7. 7.     Protection of the Planet.
8. Debt Reduction.
9. Jobs for All Americans.
10. Student Loan Debt Refinancing.
11. Ending Perpetual War for Profit.
12. Emergency Reform of Public Education.
13. End Outsourcing and Currency Manipulation.
14. Banking and Securities Reform.
15. Foreclosure Moratorium and Mortgage Refinancing.
16. 16.   Ending the Fed.
17. Ending the Electoral College and Enactment of Uniform Federal Election Rules.
18. Ending the War in Afghanistan and Care of Veterans.
19. No Censorship of the Internet.
20. Reinstitution of Civil Rights Including the Repeal of the NDAA.

Sorry for the typos. nothing is perfect. I signed up as a delegate for a few simple reasons. I don’t have the time to go the the convention. I want to see if rather simple, fair-minded, objective ratinoal  individuals like myself can make this kind of endeavor work. What a cool project, I’d try something like that.

We’ll see.

Gathering in the Darkness

The season descends upon us. It is cold and dark. The longest night of the year has just come. We gather in families and celebrate. After over a month of waiting we celebrate the Birth. We celebrate the love we share and the affection we feel. Our love is only a shadow of the love the Creator has for us and the Creator’s love has been demonstrated in the Christmas Miracle.

I listened in an NPR show yesterday, On Point, I think it was and on the show they put the holiday stress of family on the discussion board. It would seem that stress, anxiety and emotional turmoil are as universal a Christmas theme as gift exchange and hymns. Everyone feel it to some degree. The was not a single caller that we could not all relate to in some way.

Opening to talk about the stress and turmoil is always therapeutic. The are so many flavors of this particular pain and pleasure. For my own self, like many, my family is growing and our traditions are changing. This can be painful. It reminds everyone that we are not who we once were. The change reminds us that the times we shared as children and young adults are gone and are never coming back. We are different people this Christmas. It can be harder to remember when we see little of each other over the year.

On the show on caller brought up a great point. His family had all but abolished the cultural norms of Christmas. He said that on a base level his family still needed to gather. Now I realize he was speaking of his need to perpetuate the cultural habits of the season, gift exchange, over indulgence, etc, Personally, I can’t wait. But I thought of a deeper base need.

This time of season, we all share a basic human need to gather together with other we know and love and trust. We need to reaffirm connections and re-establish bonds. The cold drives us to huddle together in one home. The long darkness drives us to fear the outside world and cling closely to each other. Christ, Saturn and Solstice give us reason to remember the Divine Light that animates us and celebrate that Light in others. We remember that the sun will return and spring will come. We remember birth in the cold dormancy of winter.

So despite frustrations over family, inconvenience of travel and expense, we gather together after over a month of waiting the share joy that our Creator loves us and wants us all to be together. We forgive and we remember. And next year, we will do it again. Amen.

Ki Breathing

A few years back, I began reading a book on a Master Koeppel’s suggestion list. It was a biography of Koichi Tohei, an Akido Master and the founder of the Ki Society which like you, I had never heard of. I had read and reread sections of the biography as well as Tohei’s book over the past few years. Recently, I began to use breathing excercise and I’ve found a huge benefit to it, so much that I wanted to share a few lessons gained by Ki Breathing:

Ki Breathing is done by

1) inhaling slowly, consciously over 20-30 seconds. Feel your whole body slowly fill with oxygen from your feet to your skull.

2)Then slowly exhale while making a low sound to keep conscious of the air passing from you lungs.

The point is to maximize the time that gas exchange can happen in the lungs and thus maximize the amount of waste your body is able to expel by respiration. By doing Ki Breathing for 15 to 20 minutes, the entire volume of circulating blood is refreshed.

I tried doing this at least once a day after I had knee surgery. I kept up that practice for about a month. Now I do it when trying to rest or when I find a few minutes with nothing to do. I feel the effects of this exercise quickly. Your brain is more aware, your body feels energized but not jittery, the lungs are stronger and more compliant.

The challenges are in the expiration. I feel panic toward the middle of the first few expirations. Followed by a strong urge to gulp the air in next inspiration. Panic comes from the fear tht the air will not come fast enough. Air painc comes like the feeling that you cannot get to the surface of the water fast enough. After several of these breaths, the painc calms and your body understands that the air will come and regulate to the slow patient respirations.

The lessons are many:

I have learned that the calm, still feeling that comes after several breaths is really always present. The breath becomes a trigger, like a bookmark or a milestone. It is a way to remember how you can really feel when yuor awareness can shift by intention. I would like for the real world to be the feeling of peace after several breaths rather that the other way around.

If I can breathe, I can wait a very long time. When you are forced to wait, in traffic, for an appointment, for anything, before feeling frustrated or angry, Ki breathing brings peace and calm. Before too many breaths, the wait is usually over.

There are a lot of technical aspect to this exercise….what position to keep, to sit sieza or train to breath in any position….to practice for a goal or for personal ability. To focus on the One Point as Tohei teaches…..or as I find the One Point moves, a thing that cannot be reduced anymore exists in a dymanic and fluid plain.

Air has memory and form. Our body needs the air, our mind needs respiration, our Spirit needs peace.

deep breath…….amen

Knee Injury Story

I am now a first level brown belt in Shuri- Ryu Karate. I study under Sensei James McLain. I tore my ACL as a green belt in 2009. We were doing simple sweeps to takedowns. We were getting tired and sloppy. We were wearing shoes on carpet. My partner fell awkwardly, his foot hitting the back of my right knee as he landed. I lost my balance and went down in pain. I had no other damage to my knee. I opted to use a graft from my hamstring. My rehab was pretty straight forward. I was back to full ability to work out in a few months. In retrospect i did not take the rehab very seriously. I was too accustomed to freakish physical attributes. The in January of 2011, I ran outside to throw something in the trash. I jumped over a flower bed. As I landed my knee gave and twisted inwardly. It hurt very badly and took 30 minutes to stop hurting also swelled. After that, every few weeks it felt like my ACL would get caught on something or get twisted. I found if I straightened my leg and locked out the joint it would click or pop back into place. It began to happen more and more often, as much as once a week. Until June when we went to tournament.

During warm-ups at a seminar prior to the tournament, I threw a right roundhouse kick and I felt my knew pop out again. Try as I did, I could not get it to pop back into place. I could not straighten my knee. I could not walk without a limp. Competition was obviously out of the question and until I went to see my orthopedist, my future as a Karate- Ka was in question. My biggest fear was that a second knee surgery was in my near future. I watched the rest of the tournament, went to see the my orthopedists when I got home, went through x-rays and an MRI to get the results: ruptured ACL graft, large bucket-handle tear of the medial meniscus. Surgery was definitely in my future. It is never good to have your sports medicine orthopedist say “I have never seen a rupture like this, I have no idea how you did this.”

the piece of metal in the middle of the joint should be on the outside edge of the femur (bone on top). You can see the tunnel that makes a diagonal from the top left to the bottom right next to the ball. my new ACL goes through the old tunnel.

I was given a few options. Being a young man of 31 and since I wished to continue to train, I chose to have my ACL repaired a second time; to use my opposite knee’s hamstring as a graft; to repair the meniscus tear if possible rather than remove the torn segment. I did not train from the time of injury to surgery because my entire body was constantly sore from the profound limp I had because my knee would not extend. My job as an ER nurse means I am on my feet a lot. Training would have been foolish and reckless.

I’ve found that in times of injury, the body must be given time to heal and rest, even if the mind would rather not.

When  I had a simple ACL tear without a meniscus injury and the pain was mild. I was walking in 24 hours. I only needed crutches for a day. I was on a stationary bike within the week. I was running in a month or two and back to full contact in a few months. This time however, the pain was considerable. I did not put weight on my right leg for three weeks. I had an extension brace for 5 weeks (no bending the leg). As of now roughly five months our of surgery I am back to training.

The first three weeks my rehab exercise consisted of quad sets, straight leg raises and leg flexors. I spent a lot of time on a folded out futon. I iced my knee several times a day and took a few trips outside for sunshine. It was mid to late summer so I could not tend my garden nor do any of my house chores other than wash the dishes and fold laundry. My two-year old knew which parts of my leg had boo-boos and she asked me if i was OK when I winced with pain. Sometimes the worse part was that I also had a surgically torn hamstring on my good leg and sometimes stepping awkwardly caused a hot fire lightning strikes of pain down the back of my leg. My first surgery, I only took the anti-inflammatory (toradol). This surgery,  I used my Roxicet like clock-work and ultimately needed a refill for Lortab. I am not a medicine taker. However, the pain took me by surprise.

The only training to be done was ki-breating and self kiatsu. I trained to sit and take 20-30 seconds inspirations and 20-30 second expirations. I would work up to doing this for ten minutes then 15 and topped out at 20 minutes. I would concentrate on healing my knee. My arms and shoulders got a great work out using crutches. The last week of the crutches I went to the beach with my family.

If you’ve never had the opportunity I suggest trying to walk in the deep sand with crutches, or get into the ocean when you cannot put weight on your right leg. It was comical and sometimes painful but usually therapeutic.  Midway through that week at the beach, I  got to lose the crutches and wear a brace whenever weight-bearing. It kept my leg straight and although I learned acceptance the brace and I did not get along at first.

After the crutches went away, I did straight leg cable pulls, resistance bands, heel raises and still did the first month straight leg raises. once the brace was gone and I was “out of jail” as my PT said, the real rehab began. For a few months now I work out my rehab routine 2-3 times a week:

5 min stationary bike, medium difficulty (warm-up)…Single seated leg press…..single leg calf flexors…..Hip Adduction/Abduction…..Declined single leg press….Smith Squats….Single leg hip bends….Bridges…..

I usually did 2-3 sets, sometimes easy weight, sometimes heavier weights. This past month or two, I’ve added leg extensions, bosu ball dynamic squats, single leg ball bridges, running 0.5 -1 mile treadmill. And for three weeks now, we’ve added agility testing. My rehab work out takes a few hours now.

As far as Karate training goes, I went back into the dojo while still in the brace. I worked punching on the bag, Sanchin Kata, standard blocks and punches, high stances. Once the brace was gone, more punching bag, makiwara training. Last week I got into uniform and returned to class, again…no kicking, no sweeping, no live/full contact ie. no form sparring. I believe I will be back to full speed/ full contact.

I have deep and strong gratitude to Vanderbilt Sports Medicine, Dr. Warren Dunn, Dr. Warne Fitch and especially Hung Do physical therapist. World Class!

I am beginning to understand that there will be a few things I will not be able to do again. I rehab technique by technique and step by step. I have learned a great deal from all this.

*Don’t worry about the future, be present with your body. This is the doorway awareness and ability.

*Even if you don’t want to work out or train, when its boring or painful or sad, it is more important at those times.

*Never take for granted what your body is able to do. It is amazing.

*Breathe deep and often.

*Take your time.

thank you for reading

occupy congress

Over this past Thanksgiving holiday and the rush of greed called Black Friday, I heard about a group of Occupy protesters “occupying” a shopping mall.  Others made the news “occupying” other areas of capitalism and consumerism and cooperate exploitation. I began to think on the Occupy movement more deeply that I had previously. The following is a  meditation on the revolution:

 To Occupy seems a slang verb meaning to  1)take up a space in time for the purpose of expressing an otherwise unpopular idea. 2)To force those in power to acknowledge the existence and suffering of those who are not in power, giving voice to those who’ve been made powerless.  Anyone add to the definition? 

It is a common term in pop culture all ready. People are having “occupy the couch” parties. This year’s Christmas will be known and “Occupy Bethlehem”. The message is becoming diluted and diffuse. Anger and contempt in general can only go so far and I sense the end of this arc is swiftly approaching.

The Occupy movement seems to be focusing on symbols of capitalism and corruption and greed. There is so much anger and contempt aimed at those with the power in our country. It is beginning to collapse in on itself.  Our whole system has become fringed. There is no longer a middle, only the edges are populated.

In the turmoil and chaos that most of us see on the news and hear on the radio, the human-ness seems lost. At the base level and when the yelling has stopped and the pepper spray cans have emptied we are people, we are human and we can talk. But how much of this talk can be productive. In this time of history, rhetoric has become currency and issues have become livestock.

I want to add my voice to those occupying. My feelings align with the sentiments of the Occupiers……however I have a call to strategy.

Occupy the Congress! This is a body of Government tasked with representing and leading us. They are failing us. They have betrayed the public trust. The are either unwilling or unable to function as a governing body. They are mired in corruption. And so they serve first those who have paid for their position. They are further shackled by their own constituents believing that it is wise to practice single issue politics and a refusal to compromise. 

 The 99% must become “We the People”. Demonstrate on the steps of the capital. Occupy the very seat the lobbyist use to bribe and coerce and deceive our representatives. The people must make their known their will so that those chosen to represent us may foster and grow those things that will make our people healthy, our children educated and our land protected.  How can these people refuse to govern? How can they wait to act? The call for the government in our times….Do Something!?!

 Occupy a message. This movement needs substance. Right now it stands up with vitriol, raw energy and passion for change. We desire a revolution yet offer no path nor name any destination. revolution is an act, what is the result of the revolt?  In other words….What do we want to see happen? What steps must our leader take to regain the support of the people? Once a message is formed we may have a criteria on which we may judge the progress or regress of those we would see changed. What kind of muscle does the Occupy movement have with out this?

Get out in front of the crowd. Humans need leaders. If this movement is to sustain the call for revolution, we must have a face and a voice to unite behind. Every movement needs a charismatic leader. Though let us be warned that this is often the path that will lead to downfall. Chosing leaders means submitting to their leadership. And this remains a risky step but a step that must be taken. There is no way to get a movement going other than to move.

 What a wonderful chance this revolution is. Prayers that it takes hold, that we may evoke change toward a new way of imagining our world.

just behind the veil

Spirit is always reaching out to us. It seems we cannot always hear the call or feel the pull. Whatever the reason.

Last night I was on my short drive to work. The sun has set but a thin ribbon of crimson and fire still shown on the horizon. I made my way toward work, my fourth shift in a row. Traffic was light, temperature was mild, I turn on the radio to an old timey radio show and heard the sound of a choir singing Psalm 50. The voices were ethereal, heavenly, gorgeous. Musical notes hitting the core of my soul issued hence from my truck speakers. I was transported.

I was not in a funk nor was I oblivious to my surroundings. I was in normal mind: paying attention but mostly on the surface.  The music dropped me into deep mind. It felt like a veil being pulled back. Like when you clean a window and the sunlight seems so much brighter. Spirit tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the real world. This world behind the veil, a world a few beats slower than where i was. Spirit is always trying, I think, to get our attention. It can come in the form of a cool breeze on a hot day, a beutiful leaf on the bottom of your shoe, a bird call that stands out from the din of  noise, the harmonic sound of choir voices that vibrate the core, a touch of a loved one during a time of stress or sadness, steadiness of a river.

Spirit is always trying to reach us. Each living thing yearns for attention and appreciation. The need for that energy reverberates to our original existence. Spirit is no different. We live our lives often unaware of the world behind the veil, the one that is always still, always beautiful, always connected to all other beings, always accessible if we look, breathe and listen with our feelings. Amen

Grandfather’s Fight

I usually keep the spirit of veterans day and memorial day to myself, taking quiet, reserved pride and giving thanks for the nation I have been born to. I give thanks for those who’ve given their lives for the freedom I enjoy daily and often take for granted. For no specific reason, I can imagine living in a police state or in a country ruled by tyranny. That kind of reality has never been difficult for my imagination to behold. Being able to conjure that reality keeps me grateful and appreciate the reality I live in, that of liberty and freedom. For no specific reason, this veterans day I’ve begun to more closely imagine the reality our Grandfathers endured, that of world War II. I find that history to form a mirror for our current generation.

My wife reminded me of her Grandfather’s story. He was a pilot. He was shot down, crashed nehind enemy lines. A Dutchman helped hide by giving him a german nazi uniform and pretending to be a drunken german. It worked. He was never captured. He finished his tour of duty and went on the raise the family that has resulted in mine. Her other Grandfather served in the Navy and bore witness to several aweful situations in the Pacific. My Grandfather served under Patton. He liberated concentration camps. He commanded scores of troops as a captain. His experiences left him scarred to the spirit. I never met him in life but I believe that though he physically survived the War, he never spiritually survived that which he witnessed.  It seems no one in their generation emerged untouched from that era.

My father has compiled volumes of family history these past years. Each branch of my family tree saw many members who fought in the Revolutionary War and the Civil war and fought in the War of 1812. Somehow the tradition of military service had passed over my own generation. My father was not drafted and I have never felt a pull toward the military nor a calling towards combat. I serve my community in different ways but not in the way my Grandfathers did. I have seen several documentaries this veterans season and somehow the stories speak to me differently this year.

We’ve seen two wars. One has lasted ten years now. Another has finally ended. I prayed after the towers fell that we, as a people might realize that violence begats violence, war only brings death and destruction. I prayed we could imagine a different way to communicate our differences than by fire and metal and death.  Instead, we are passing through a generation like that of our Grandfathers but without a moral imperative and with incredible imbedded evil and corruption. I see a poisoned generation of men and women. They volunteered to risk their lives for their people and have found disenchantment and confusion.

I am proud of our military but it seems our people have still not learned the lessons of war. We care poorly for warriors once the battle is over. We seem to foster hatred just as efficienlty as our percieved enemy. Our own leaders have hidden the cost a people must pay and asked us instead to help perpetuated the myth of excess. This generation is so full of double standards, confusion and hypocracy that it is impossible to see clear truth in the narrative of this history.  

Like every generation of Grandfathers before us, I wonder what will become of our future if these lessons are not learned. I believe we honor our Grandfathers on these days but we fail their dignify their sacrifice by perpetuating mistakes. Thanks be to those who are willing and fit to give their lives for the people. There will never be a reason the willing may rest not the volunteer be at peace. Amen and Thank you

halloween frightening

I need to blog a journal entry. An experience.

I have been to a few Halloween parties in my life but this one scared me the most. A friend from work threw a Halloween party. I worked several nights in a row before the party but still wanted to go. There were a lot of families, neighbors. The host was the only person there I knew. We let the little one Nora swing and eat. We sat by a backyard fire enjoying a bowl of chili and a beer. I began to notice I was people watching. I introduced my self to a couple to my left but had little to talk about. After we all had a bite, we played with Nora at a cookie decorating, then pumpkin coloring. The whole time I continued to feel isolated, quiet and in my own head. Kids were running everywhere, more people had shown up. I knew no one except the host and she was very busy entertaining. I began to feel worse. I wanted to hide. I could not stop thoughts in my head. I tried to calm down and take deep breaths. I tried to track my feelings to find the cause of my anxiety.

It is an awful feeling to know you are experiencing social anxiety, feel your emotions getting away from you and feel powerless against the tide. I hovered a few feet from my body.

I did not want to be around people. The chaotic sounds of the playing kids shook my concentration. I still people watched but felt afraid to look directly at anyone. It was getting dark. I had asked Lauren casually a few times if she was ready to go home. I knew we had been there long enough that our leaving would not be considered rude. Besides, I have become skilled at leaving gatherings unnoticed. This night I didn’t feel my presence noticed much less my absence. After a few requests I made my urgent need to leave for home more apparent.

Finally we left. We got in the car, and drove out of the neighborhood toward our home. While I felt nearly instantly better, the secondary feelings set in. I felt a complex dilemmas, guilt for pulling my family from an otherwise fun party, guilt for letting my issues affect my young daughter and wife, fear because I felt so unable to control my emotions and thoughts, confusion over all that I had just felt. My issues were out of order, no organization, too much to process. I just drove home with my family feeling mostly sad.

It has been difficult working overnights at my job. Emergency room nursing is never easy but these past months, I’ve felt the worst since my career started. My body hurts for sleep confusion, my mind hurts from the constant adjustment. I can’t always think clearly. I am moody. I am often bored or anxious. There is no more middle. I feel good sometimes or I feel bad. There seems no middle. Scary

Occupy This

I have so far filled this blog with reflections and meditations. I would rather post than journal. However, I will enter a few thoughts inspired by the Occupy Wall Street Movement.

My sister has philosipied that this movement might be a sign of a shift in our collective political  imagination. We could be dreaming of a new way to look at our government, politics and country.  Our country certainly needs a new way to look at governing ourselves. I think the occupation could be the people’s attempt to separate the wealthy from the government. Occupying the space with peaceful protest as a last resort. We cannot vote out the greed. We cannot legislate out corruption. While becoming wealthy and prosperous is a cardinal value in our nation, the occupation holds in contempt the fact that our government reprsentatives suport those who have obtained the ealth rather than those who seek it.

I am anxious to see what kind of principles will give this movement a shape. We cannot allow an election to be won by the person able to take the most bribes. It is found to be unacceptable that our people are taxed so that the wealthy may remain wealthy. Occupation holds our system in contempt.  

I think the Tea Party and the Occupation are really the same animal. They are eddys in the river, fringes from the mainstream, moved to action by intense passion against coruption, greed and excess. Tea Party is a revolt against intrusive government and Occupation is a revolt against corporated greed for political power. It is  poverty when we fight over the personhood of the unborn but we are certain about the rights of corporations.

exhale

for Sara and John

I visited New Orleans for the first time. We went to celebrate the wedding of my sister in law. I regret not going to New Orleans sooner. Everything about the trip was wonderful, especially the wedding and the love that surrounded Sara and John. Rather than write them a letter of card. I thought I would post some feelings for them.

These two people believe. They believe in themselves. They believe in the world. They carry in their hearts a faith in the world. That faith spills out in their relationships. They believe in their friends and their family. They make people feel better about themselves. People who meet them and know them are better people for the meeting. This is one of the highest accomplishments of personhood.

These two also love. They love on a large scale I think seldom encountered in our existence. I have found this love for my self as well. I want to reflect on that love of spouse and family and God. I remember hearing at a wedding once that the day of the marriage is the day the bride and groom love the least. If the plan works, you only fall deeper and more strongly in love every

day, even if you do not feel it. Every living things grows at its own rate and pace. I planted a baby oak tree one time. I’ll wait twenty-five years for an acorn but the tree will outlive me. Marriage love is like that. The wedding is a spark but the flame will light your heart brighter than we can imagine. It is a slow drip of water and eventually your cup runneth over.

taken from the spot John and Sara said their vows looking straight up

Metaphors aside, life and love only get bigger and wider and deeper. Now, I look back on my own past few years. All reflections boils down to the thought “I didn’t know my heart could love this much”. And even now I cannot fathom how much more will come. I cannot comprehend it. You begin to have a glimpse at the Love God must have for Creation. If it is anything like how I feel for my family and friends and wife and daughter, There could only be a power greater than my feeble understanding, What could ever hold all that?

Sara and John, as you join my family and join into the journey, I am so glad to love both of you on the way. We will have many years together. Our children will

know each other.  I am very grateful for both of you. I am very grateful to have been believed in by you and loved by you. Thank you for sharing the ceremony of your wedding. I look forward to seeing your family very soon.

Amen